A Bit More of Me..

   

  In my last post, I wrote a bit about my past and my addiction, but I didn't say much because I got into my son's birth. Plus, I kinda started at the end, sort of. I mean, being a recovering addict, there truly is no end, this is something I will have with me for the rest of my life. 

    Even after being clean for over 8 years, and living life like a "normal" family, there are people who are clean for decades and end up relapsing. Of course, I hope that isn't going to be a part of my story one day, but none of us know what the future holds. All we can do it live one day at a time, and be the best person we can be. They say to always try to be a better person than you were yesterday... Really, that is all we can do!! 

   

    Addiction is a disease, it truly is no different than any other, beside the fact that we have the will power inside of us (when we are ready to live right) to control the disease that is inside of us and live right. As hard as it is, it is completely possible! Unfortunately, most of us need a reason, something to help give us that will power, or we need to hit rock bottom, before we are ready and truly WANT to get clean. It only TRULY works when we are ready. 

    

    So I'm gonna go back a ways... before I was addicted to any drug. Sometimes the things we go through in our lives make us want to escape from reality, and thats why alot, not all, but alot of people turn to drugs. They help us escape our messed up reality!! The crazy thing is we all have our pain and fear, and it can NOT be measured on a scale!! 

    So many people dont get why someone who YOU think is spoiled and has everything could possibly have enough pain to wanna escape reality. Maybe you are in a situation where you live in an abandoned house with your single parent, and both of you use drugs to escape that reality. Of course with social media, we can pretty much legally stalk everyones lives virtually now a days.

    So you see that one of the girls who was "spoiled" and SEEMED to have everything all those years ago overdosed on heroine and almost died, and now her parents are making her go to a super expensive rehab center.... Yes, her family has money, she was a bully, she SEEMS to have whatever she wants. I mean, come on, how often are somebody's parents still married/together anymore? Plus, of course, social media makes her life seem perfect... at least to those who dont truly know her.

    What most people dont realize is that maybe her parents marriage is a joke and maybe all they do is fight, if they aren't off traveling for work leaving her home on her own. Maybe its even so bad that one of them is abusive, or cheating, or both. So all these material things make it look like she has everything, but really all she wants is to be happy. Isn't that what we all want, if you thing about it? 

    Money can't buy happiness. People who love you, not just buy you stuff so you leave them alone.  Parents who prove their love for you. Being talked to like people are proud of what you do and who you are. Human interaction, a simple hug goes a LONG was when you feel alone and unloved.

    Believe me when I tell you, verbal/mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. The emotional scars that are left behind dont heal, not like boo boos do!! All abuse is unforgivable, lasting pain, but physical abuse heals on the outside, while mental abuse make you feel small, or ugly, or unworthy, or so many other things, for years to come, maybe even forever. Just remember next time you think you have it worse than someone else, just because you THINK you know their story... pain can not be measured on a scale. It can't be compared to someone elses, because all of us have pain and it hurts, no matter what! All of our pain matters, and it all matter the same because we all deserve to be happy. It's just that simple! 

    Personally, I don't remember much of my childhood. Little things, stuff that is just random and idk why I recall these things because they're just odd (like dressing my little brother up in a golden bikini and painting his nails with gold glitter, when he was 5 years old... weird! lmao). Now that I am an adult and I know more about life, plus the things my mom has told me about what she was going through back then, I get why things were the way they were. 

    Both of my parents were addicts when I was growing up.  They got their medication prescribed  to them,  but that doesn't make it okay. My mom slept alot, she would lock herself in her room "with a migraine" more often than not. Its why I make sure my children know that nmw, even if i am sick (or can not see because i also get migraines) if they need me I am ALWAYS available, nmw!! 

    **I do want to add how proud I am of my Momma now, she has been clean for a very long time. I don't know off the top of my head how many years exactly, but its around 20 years!!**

    

    When I was 11 years old my parent split up, it was awful!! I was a daddy's girl my whole life, but I loved my mom too! Being a child I didnt know what exactly was going on behind the scenes, I just knew that my mother left my dad and wanted a divorce. To a child, she was ruining my life, she was splitting up my family and nobody likes change. 

    This was the beginning of the end... My whole life changed when they got divorced and I chose to stay with my dad. I blamed my mom for ruining my life, for her own happiness, for so long! Never knowing she did it to get clean (until many lost years with her later). She knew if she stayed with my father she would never stop taking her pills.

    It was within that first year after they split that I started drinking and smoking weed. I was hanging out with my brother, who is 4 years older than I am, and his friends. I had known all of them since we moved to that neighborhood the year before, and of course what girl doesnt have a crush or 2 on her older brothers friends, right?? Unfortunately one of those crushes became an infatuation in disguise of the L word years later. That's a long horribly sad story for another time. (One which has to do with the reason I know how about the lasting pain of abuse, physical and mental).

    Long story short, my father ended up hanging out with an old friend of his and using crack cocaine when I was 13. His friends daughter was a year or 2 older than I am, so we were close. My dad and I ended up living with them (them being, my dad's friend, his daughter and 2 sons).. so I started partying ALOT at a very young age, with no adult supervision because they didn't want us bothering them while they were smoking.. i guess it would make anyone paranoid if youre smoking that and someone keeps knocking on your door to ask permission, and god fobid you have to stop to raise your children and teach them how a young lady should act and dress and whatnot.

    What hurt the most was that I wrote more letters than I care to remember BEGGING my dad to stop smoking crack cocaine and to choose me. I just wanted to feel like I was more important than his drugs. To be honest idek if he ever read them. 

    Before I was 14 years old I had done every drug on the streets back then (molly wasn't a thing, or at least not that I had ever heard of back then), everything except acid, crystal meth and heroine. So as a child, 13 years old, I drank alcohol, had taken real oxycontin, a muscle relaxer called soma, extacy, mushrooms. I had smoked weed, PCP and crack, snorted cocaine and pills, idek what all pills to be honest. At this time it was all just for fun. I never had any addiction problems until years after.

    As a child/teenager I lived how I wanted, did what I wanted and am lucky to be alive still. I went to more parties than I can remember, with people who I didnt know. I was date raped at 14 and to this day only know it happened, but dont recall details because I was a child who had been drinking E&J the whole day. Apparently this 27 year old man "woke me up" and took me to the bathroom to do whatever he did. 

    The next morning he must have told people about it because I woke up to his sister talking all kinds of shit about me being a slut and I had no idea what she was talking about. I only know it is true because my t-shirt I was wearing had "stuff" on it. I was still a virgin, but I knew what that was. 

    Now, being a mom and looking back on that, it blows my mind. His sister was an adult just like he was, but even tho he was over 10 years older than me, somehow I was the one being called a slut, like I did something wrong.  Society is so messed up.  Thats why I say... "Normal... What's that!?!"

I have so much more to say about my crazy messed up life, but idk if my next post will be about that so much. 

Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday!!! & there is so much going on with my sons father. I will probably be posting again this week about all that. (I wish there were a way to share this without needing social media... I tried when I first started, but I just don't like being on social media. Ugghh)

Gobble Gobble!!

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Soren Kierkegaard