A Peek Into the Past..

     First I want to say, I know I said in my last post that I wanted to start writing at least once a week, but I truly did not understand how difficult homeschooling would be!! It has been a VERY hectic month-ish. I knew it would be different and even though I did do research on the curriculum and whatnot, until you actually start doing it... well it is so much more than I ever expected. 

    Unfortunately, because of doing virtual school the last year and a half of their young lives, I did not realize how behind they truly are (my 2 children in middle school at least, since I have taught my youngest most of what she has learned she is actually on point, and ahead in some areas). The beginning of the year, in Maryland & I assume other places, children always do review, mainly in the 2 main classes; Math and ELA (English/Language Arts). When we did a diagnostic to see where each of my children are in those classes, and what they need more practice in, there was things from elementary school that they needed to go over. 

    It really made me realize how important doing these diagnostics are. Not just one or two times a year, but multiple times, and even being very involved with my childrens education, I had no idea how much of what they have learned, they have already forgotten. I wish I would have found the site we are using a couple of years ago, so they wouldn't be behind. I not only choose what they are learning now, since they are doing homeschool, but if it happens to be something online, through the site, I can see exactly what questions they had to answer, how they answered and the exact time they started and finished.

    So I apoligize for taking so long, but I also said I would tell a bit about my past and I plan to. 

    Like I said in the my last post, I am a recovering addict. I have been clean for 8 years as of September 20th of this year (2021)... I had been clean for about 2 years before I had my youngest daughter in 2013. She was a scheduled c-section due to the birth of my oldest son, I refused to take that risk with her after what he went though. 

    I was 18 when I gave birth to him, and from the time I was maybe 7 months pregnant until he was born (almost 2 weeks late) I had told the doctor over and over there is no way he would be born natural, I was going to need a c-section. She was a midwife, and they are all about natural birth, most don't even like medication for pain and especially epidurals!! Since 2008 I have been telling everyone I know who planned on having kids, don't use a midwife unless you plan on going natural. I refused to ever risk my childrens lives again after her!

    His due date was February 24th, leap year!! I was still a baby, having a baby! I was scared he would come during a snow storm, or on leap year and only get to celebrate his birthday every 4 years (like my first grade teacher lol)... Turned out he was comfy trying to break my ribs and making my legs go out on me every chance he could.

    Just so happened that on his due date I ended up having to go to the ER because he was so big, laying on my psiatic nerve, and I was unable to feel my legs. When I could, I was in extreme pain. I was HUGE!!!! My belly sat on my knees when I sat down and it was all purple..  looked ready to pop! Of course, they ended up admitting me and tried to induce labor. 

    The first time didn't work, so I was sceduled to come in the following Sunday night.  They induced me again, sometime after 8PM Sunday and around 4AM I finally started having labor pains. He REALLY did not want to come out though! The hospital staff had to do everything, they pumped me with pitocin as often as was safe, had to force certain yucky things I prefer not to name, any parents probably know what I mean, and they even had to break my water!! Everything that is supposed to happen naturally, my body did not do any of it.

    After 25 hours of being in labor, an hour and a half of that was pushing, even though he had not moved at all in all that time.. I started pushing when he was at a zero and rushed for an emergency c-section he was at zero! He was too big to fit thru my tiny 18 year old hips and after being exhausted already from barely sleeping a wink from 8PM Sunday till, now almost 5AM Tuesday, it just wasn't possible!! The worst part, his oxygen was low the whole time I was pushing, so they had me on an oxygen mask (like it isn't incredibly hard and uncomfortable without all that fear and the mask).

    All it took was a REAL "female" doctor to come in and check on him and she immediately said and I quote her exact words "This girl needs a c-section NOW!"... It felt like minutes later my baby was born, but the damage was done.  The Midwife wouldn't even look at any of my family, never came to see how the baby was, and she knew my son could have been born brain dead, or with learning disabilities. I am thankful every single day that he is perfect and was just a chunky baby 9 lbs 5 oz & 22 and a quarter inches long!!! ALMOST 2 feet! Its amazing he never broke my ribs! 

    Dr. King, who delivered my baby, was an amazing doctor whom I had never met before, but came in our room and held my child and said how perfect he was and was just amazing!! This doc spent less than half an hour on our 'case',  just checked on us, then lead the operation to delivered him, yet came to check on my baby. Yet the Midwife I had seen for months hid and would look the other way if any of my family happened to walk past her. Smh. 

     * * * *BACK ON TOPIC OF MY PAST* * * * 

   Sorry, I got off topic there, but once I started I had to tell you all. I'm sure anyone who read all of it gets why I feel the way I do about midwives, even though I do know it's not fair to judge them all. I personally could never take the risk. 

    My point, that got away from me, was her being my second c-section it was alot more painful healing. I was told it was due to the scar tissue from the first c-section. So from April until September of 2013 I had a relapse, after being clean for 2 years. The doctor put me on medications that I could put up my nose, and as soon as I was able to walk to the bathroom that is exactly what I did! I do want to add that I never breast fed! & Because of taking the medication this way it was not lasting as long as it should. Even out of the hospital the doctor continued to call in prescriptions for me. They weren't much, but it was something so I didnt feel withdrawls.

    From the age of 13 I had been doing drugs recreationally, and my father knew. Most of the time he was the one who supplied me, even did stuff with him (being a mother that just disgusts me!!!!).. Until I was 24 I had never done heroine. It wasn't until those few months when I relapsed and thank goodness I am scared out of my mind of needles, as nasty as it tasted I always put it up my nose.

    Most people are ashamed of their pasts, even once they get clean, but that is a terrible way to live. I love quotes and sayings, and one of my very favorites is the saying "Don't judge me by my past, I'm don't live there anymore".  I can NEVER change the things I have done, or been through. The only thing I can do now is what I can control, and that is my family's futures.

    My children know quite a bit about my past, and I have ALOT more I have to share on here. This post ended up being longer than expected, and I shared alot less about what I had planned to share, but the story of my babies coming into the world are a large part of who I am today. I call my son my numero uno, he is my number 1. He made me a mom, and nobody in this world can say that except for him. He changed my life in so many ways, and I may have been young, but I was so excited when I found out about him! 

    I know I said it last time, but I will write again soon... I have so much more I want to share.. 

“Every day the clock resets. Your wins don't matter. Your failures don't matter. Don't stress on what was, fight for what could be.“ -Sean Higgins.